‘You can’t be depressed.’

“You can’t be depressed. You’re too young for that.” That is what I was told after I went to my GP a couple years ago for my chronic headaches. It wasn’t the first time I heard that. That statement was the default response every time I opened up about my current mental state. During the consultation, my GP found no physical reason so they asked me if I was coping well with school. I told them I was doing perfectly fine. That was a blatant lie. I was struggling and barely getting through each day. I felt like I had to lie because ‘I can’t be depressed. I’m too young for that.’

Looking back on where this all might have started from; I go back to this specific memory when I was 13. Nothing in particular had happened to have caused this reaction. I was practising the violin and I couldn’t get a certain part of the piece right. After countless failed attempts, I was getting progressively frustrated so I took a break and sat down. The bizarre thing was I didn’t register that I was crying until my vision blurred from my tears and I brought a hand to wipe them away. Sitting there and sobbing on my bedroom floor I had these thoughts running through my head: I was worthless, I would never be good enough, my parents immigrated here to give me a better life and always encouraged me to pursue my interests and I can’t even do them correctly, I’m a failure to them so I should just not exist. I should just not exist. I fixated on that thought and convinced myself that I’m a burden to those around me and l would be doing them a favour if I was no longer alive. Shortly after, I stopped crying. I was now overwhelmed with the guilt that I was failing my parents and not meeting their expectations because I was being selfish and wallowing in my sadness instead of practising the violin. I stood back up and pretended like that breakdown never happened. After all, I can’t be depressed. I’m too young for that.

This wasn’t the last time I experienced this. It was in fact the start of my deteriorating mental health which I ignored for years. Everything became a burden. All of my hobbies, school, going to tuition, applying to university and social relationships were a burden. I felt like I was devoid of any purpose and I was just existing. I was a third person in my own life. I was doing all these things to keep other people happy. This led me to get frustrated at my pathetic and helpless state because if I can’t keep up with my life right now, how will I ever do that? Was my existence even worth it? I always assumed that I was being lazy and I berated myself for feeling the way I did. I invalidated all my feelings of struggle each time and assumed my suicidal thoughts were a sign of weakness. In reality, these were all early signs of depression but I never would have realised that because I can’t be depressed.1 I’m too young for that.

I was stuck in an endless cycle, drowning in my own emotions whilst desperately trying to stay afloat and shut all these feelings away. These waves of intense sadness would come and go, each episode lasting longer than the last and getting more frequent over time. It would start with me being stressed about something whether it was personal problems, school or any of my extra curriculars which progressed to being overwhelmed and being hit with the crippling fear of failure. This would progress to me crying and when I stopped, I would be thrown into emotional numbness and exhaustion. “I can’t do this anymore,” is what I often thought during these periods of sadness. I always saw this as a sorry excuse to pity myself but I failed to realise that I was tired. Tired of feeling overwhelmed, tired of never meeting the expectations that were imposed on me, tired of feeling pathetic and worthless because I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks. I wanted to be alone and be shut away from everyone and that desire to be isolated quickly grew to a more permanent idea – to not be alive anymore. It became a cycle that I bottled up because of the simple ‘fact’ that I can’t be depressed. I’m simply too young for that.

Jumping to me aged 19, I experienced the worst dip in my mental health where I seriously was considering harming myself and the thought of taking my own life could easily have become a reality. I reached out to my GP again for my headaches as they also got more severe at the same time. I was told my headaches are tension type and it most likely stemmed from stress or depression. The causes are still being looked into but there is research stating that a dysregulated stress response where the body doesn’t come down from it’s ‘fight or flight state’ can lead to depression in individuals.2,3 These prolonged periods of sadness, feeling guilty, being not motivated, no longer enjoying my life and wanting to harm myself are indicative of depression, not weakness as I thought a couple years ago.1 I overlooked how my physical health was being negatively impacted, the persistent headaches were the main symptom but I always had no energy and I either overrate or underate. This is also indicative of depression as patients with symptoms of chronic pain are more likely to have a mood disorder.3,4 At the end of the consultation, I was diagnosed with depression and referred to a mental health service. Honestly, I was relieved. I was relieved that someone saw me struggling and validated my feelings of helplessness. I was relieved that for the first time since I was 13, I was told that I’m not too young to be depressed.

References:

1. Kanter JW, Busch AM, Weeks CE, Landes SJ. The nature of clinical depression: symptoms, syndromes, and behavior analysis. Behav Anal. 2008;31(1):1-21. doi:10.1007/BF03392158

2. Yang L, Zhao Y, Wang Y, et al. The Effects of Psychological Stress on Depression. Curr Neuropharmacol. 2015;13(4):494-504. doi:10.2174/1570159x1304150831150507

3. Qin, Dd., Rizak, J., Feng, Xl. et al. Prolonged secretion of cortisol as a possible mechanism underlying stress and depressive behaviour. Sci Rep 6, 30187 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1038/srep30187

4. Trivedi MH. The link between depression and physical symptoms. Prim Care Companion J Clin Psychiatry. 2004;6(Suppl 1):12-16. (4)